Daughters Rising

Is My Mother a Covert Narcissist? – 5 ( Not So Obvious) Ways To Tell

by Katherine Fabrizio

It can be a hard question to ask yourself,- ” Is my mother a covert narcissist? ” You know something is amiss but you can’t quite put your finger on it. 

Mom isn’t loud and overtly self-centered but she does always seem make it about her.  In fact, if mom doesn’t get her way there is hell to pay.  This you know is true.  And if you are in the role of the “good” daughter you may have been enabling mom’s covert narcissism for years without realizing it. It’s time to become informed.

Let’s have a look beneath the surface.

Because mom knows the socially appropriate ways to co-opt you her ways are underground and slippery.  This makes it hard to detect and harder still for daughters to understand their justifiable anger at having their lives appropriated. Mom might be the helicoptering PTA president, a squeaky clean Sunday school teacher or long-suffering martyred momma yet still have an underlying personality disorder or be high in traits of this disorder.

Don’t be fooled. Many covert narcissistic mothers have much more subtle telltale moves. Here is how to spot them:

Disclaimer- it is important to remember Narcissism isn’t a crime. It is a disorder. If mom has this disorder she is suffering too. She doesn’t consciously decide to act selfishly, she is driven to do it.

1. When you are making her look good, she glows… 

but when you are struggling she peppers you with criticism and questions. You have broken a rule you didn’t know was there; your purpose is to make her look good. If you break this rule you will pay, pay with your self-esteem. There are no practice tests, no dress rehearsals. All of life is a performance. Her limitations can’t withstand tolerating your struggle.

Sadly, It’s about how you make her look as a mother not about supporting you as a daughter. Subtext: she exists on a steady diet of self-importance, you are there to feed her not the other way around.

2. Gift giving- she may ask for the gift back or tell you what to give her.

On holidays, she doesn’t graciously receive the gift you choose for her. She can’t receive; this would mean giving up control. Subtext: “You are not free to choose what to give me. That would imply we are equals. I will  control the giving and taking.”

3. Despite outward appearances to the contrary, your life must take a back seat to her needs. 

When you are unable to immediately attend to her, she becomes resentful. Again, the subtext is this; it is her needs that are important.

4. When you question her or ask for clarification, she becomes immediately defensive and fires back at you.

Or she gives an overblown hyperbolic response. Something along the lines of I’m SO SORRY for EVERYTHING and ANYTHING she MIGHT have done. She was, after all ONLY trying to help. The subtext is this; you are to answer to her, not the other way around. This move is designed to deflect blame and make you feel guilty. She is protecting the emptiness inside of herself.

5. When your boundaries about your personal life are not respected.

Everything and anything is her business. The requests for information feel more like a demand, not a respectful exchange. You get push back if you try and set healthy boundaries. The subtext is this; your business is mine for the taking.  In a relationship with a covertly Narcissistic mother,  you feel owned, more than loved.

6. Mom can’t let go.

Letting go of a daughter is hard, really hard. The covert narcissistic mother can’t support her daughter’s need for growing independence. She takes it as a rejection of her.

This is my “no punches pulled” list to help you spot the signs of a covert narcissistic mother.  Harsh maybe, truthful, you bet.

Why would I want to call out these characteristics?

Because I have seen many daughters suffer and not know why they feel so angry one minute and guilty the next. They are truly trapped in the good daughter syndrome and can’t see their way out. They may be wearing a mask to the world and yet be suffocating inside and not know why.

——————————————-

As a psychotherapist counseling women for 30 years, I have seen these manipulative moves by mothers.

They are more subtle than the boorish moves you might see in a narcissistic man. These are the moves of the covert narcissistic mother. Not the blowhard bluster of the narcissistic man. Still, they are every bit as destructive to her daughter as the overt narcissistic mother. I would argue the damage is worse because of the insidious nature of the wounds.  Like a nick from an extra sharp razor, you don’t know you’ve been cut until you see the blood running down your leg.

As the daughter of the covert narcissistic mother, you feel the sting of shame but think it is your fault, not hers. Shame keeps you second-guessing yourself. Bogged down in a sea of self-doubt you can’t see these moves for what they are- a desperate attempt to shore up mom at your expense.

It’s not you. It’s her. Really. By that I mean it is her needs that are getting met by your actions. Again, she isn’t evil – just unaware and driven to shore up her fragile sense of self.

Calling out these moves and naming them for what they are is the first step towards healing. With awareness, you can evolve beyond Good Daughter into an empowered woman. You need to see mom’s moves for what they are and how they have held you back. We are women. We can do better. Empowering women one mother/daughter relationship at a time.

Find out if you are trapped in the role of the good daughter here

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

TWEET IT OUT-

Women have been socialized to appear accommodating and self-effacing. These learned behaviors can obscure an underlying covert narcissistic personality disorder. Click To Tweet As the daughter of the covert narcissistic mother you feel the sting of shame, but think it is your fault, not hers. Click To Tweet Shame keeps you second-guessing yourself. Bogged down in a sea of self-doubt you can't see these moves for what they are- a desperate attempt to shore up mom at your expense. Click To Tweet When you question the covert Narcissistic mother or ask for clarification, she becomes immediately defensive and fires back at you. Or she gives an overblown hyperbolic response. She was, after all ONLY trying to help. Click To Tweet For the Covertly Narcissistic mother, your boundaries are not respected. Everything and anything is her business. The requests for information feel more like a demand, not a respectful exchange. Click To Tweet Giving a gift to the covertly Narcissistic mother is difficult. She must control the process and the outcome. The subtext is, “You are not free to choose what to give me. That would imply we are equals. Click To Tweet When the Covert Narcissistic mother gives you gifts, there are always strings attached. Gift giving has a push me, pull me feel. She feels so empty herself that she can’t give without extracting something from you. Click To Tweet With a covertly Narcissistic mother, your life must take a back seat to her needs. When you are unable to immediately attend to her, she becomes resentful. Click To Tweet In a relationship with a covertly Narcissistic mother, you feel owned, instead of loved. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

 

 

Healing the Mother Wound- A Free Meditation

by Katherine Fabrizio

To Heal The Mother Wound You Must Get Out Of Your Head And Into Your Body

( Read to the bottom to access the meditation) 

You get off the phone or come home from a visit with your mother and it didn’t go well. The worst thing about it are the feelings she leaves you with. You just can’t shake them. Frustration. Anxiety. Anger.  Ultimately you are left feeling sad.(Especially if you are stuck in the role of the “good daughter” ( feeling responsible for mom’s feelings) you suffer a double whammy. What can you do? It isn’t enough to understand what went wrong with your mother/daughter relationship you need to feel differently. Awareness is essential and at the same time, not enough.To heal the mother wound, you must first get in touch with your emotional pain. Then you must have experiences that soothe that pain.

Use this meditation when:

1) You are making changes in your relationship with your actual mother. (You need to address the anxiety you encounter when you are working to make changes. That anxiety can threaten to drive you right back to doing things the same way.)

2) If you have gone “no contact”, the feelings you must endure to keep your resolve can be crippling. Ensure you have supportive practices to help.

3)  You want to cool off, get perspective, and think with a rational head. You get off the phone, or have a troubling encounter with mom, and don’t want to act out of emotion.

All these are important reasons to learn self-regulation/ self-soothing methods for yourself.

Why are embodied experiences essential for healing the mother wound? To fully understand- let’s dial back the years for a moment. Perhaps something went wrong in your mother’s ability to access her capacity to soothe and comfort you when you were small. It might have been a personality disorder, addiction or simply stress that prevented mom from mothering you well. Or maybe it was later in teenage-hood that your connection to mom was interrupted by those same forces. (I’ve had many clients who have said their mothers were loving until they hit adolescence and then mom lost all of her loving feelings toward them.)

Others sat anxiously by as mom feel apart, derailing emotionally for one reason or another connected to a mother who was self-absorbed waiting on mom for loving attention that never came. Either way, the reality is you were incorporating your experience of your mother first in the womb and later in her arms, mom was first experienced, felt, taken in and embodied.

Along with her love you took in all of her. Her anxiety. Her anger. Her disapproval.

If you were attuned to mom, you took her in. That means you absorb her moods & anxieties along with her caring. Therefore it makes sense that……. healing from a deficit in mothering must incorporate those embodied felt elements. The incredibly good news is that you can still incorporate these felt elements to heal. 

Here’s how

1) Movement can heal and soothe. The rocking motion that mimics the motion in the womb. This is still soothing to the nervous system, as a baby or as an adult. You are wired to be soothed by rhythmic movement. Walking, running/jogging or dancing can be cathartic, empowering and healing.

Even holding yourself and rocking back and forth has proven to reset the psyche from trauma.

2) Soothing sounds can be calming. If you watch and listen to a mother and baby you see/hear that maternal voices are cooing or lilting.   Maternal voices rise and fall in pitch. They have a rhythmic cadence. Therefore, brain entrainment meditations (like the free one at the end of this post) can still heal and benefit you as an adult.

You may wonder, if it’s isn’t it too late – You are not as stuck, or limited, by the original experiences you have had with a Difficult Mother as we once thought. The good news is that your brain and your nervous system can still heal and benefit as an adult. A popular saying in neurological circles is “The brain is plastic.” & “What fires together wires together.” You can create experiences that change the structure of the brain. You can learn to shift to self-soothing. While it has been years (or could be never) since you were soothed in this way, your body remembers.

It will respond to-

  • soothing rhythms that mimic a mother’s heartbeat
  • regulated breathing that massages you from the inside out
  • sound frequencies that entrain your brain to experience relaxed states as you listen.

Isn’t that the key –  to give to yourself these primal healing experiences that you can access? In doing so, you learn to rely on yourself for feeling good. This is the key to calm, clarity, and the self-confidence you are seeking.  Talking alone is rarely enough. You need to dive deep into curative experiences.

Does dealing with your difficult mother cause you anxiety?

Here is a Free meditation I created just for you.

GET YOUR FREE MEDITATION

Does dealing with your difficult mother cause you anxiety?
Here is a Free meditation I created just for you

new-guide-photo

To find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter role -go here.

This is what you need to soothe the anxiety, heal the mother wound and come home to yourself. Click To Tweet To Heal The Mother Wound You Must Get Out Of Your Head And Into Your Body Click To Tweet To heal the mother wound, you must first get in touch with your emotional pain. Then you must have experiences that soothe that pain. Click To Tweet You are not as stuck, or limited, by the original experiences you have had with a Difficult Mother as we once thought. The good news is that your brain and your nervous system can still heal and benefit as an adult. Click To Tweet As we now know, the brain can be rewired when we give it targeted, intentionally corrective experiences. Click To Tweet

Access this meditation and feel the soothing effects immediately.

 

 

 

When Mom Won’t Let Go; Why This is a Problem

by Katherine Fabrizio

“Mom calls me multiple times a day. Many times I just don’t pick up. I put off calling her back as long as I can. Her feelings are hurt and I can’t stop feeling guilty. She just can’t let go and I can’t live my own life. This is driving me crazy.”

As a psychotherapist, I have heard this more times than I can count. Does mom have a full-blown personality disorder or does she need a little help letting go? Either way- When mothers look to their daughters to be their primary emotional partner, this interferes with the daughter’s emotional growth.

This level of clinging prevents daughters from leaving home and making a healthy separation.

Looking to daughters for this level of closeness is called parentification and holds daughters back from living their lives fully.  Does Mom have an underlying personality disorder Narcissistic, Borderline or Histrionic or does she has traits of these disorders? If so, this difficult dynamic on put on steroids! Mom goes nuclear if she detects her daughter is pulling away. If mom is a Covert Narcissist her daughter feels suffocated by her mother’s needs but swamped with guilt for the resentment she feels. Either way, these daughters end up feeling guilty for their natural strivings for independence.

If a mother is troubled and clingy and her daughter has taken on the role of good daughter, she is trapped inside of an unhealthy position… taking on making mom’s needs instead of making a healthy separation for herself. This is very unhealthy for her daughter. 

What does this mean for a daughter connecting with a life partner?

When a daughter leaves home and makes a healthy separation from mom and dad ideally she transfers her primary emotional connection from her parents to her partner. No doubt, leaving and being left is hard for mother and daughter. It involves loss and change for both. Moms need to let go and daughters need to grow up and leave.  Each has her own separate emotional task.

Leaving and being left is a necessary developmental task for both the adult daughter and the mom. Letting her go is the greatest gift you will give your daughter and it will break your heart. I should know.

Yet, if this doesn’t happen the adult daughter will not be free to invest fully in her relationship with her adult partner. In other words, in health, the daughter needs to choose her partner over her mother. This may sound harsh but this is the healthy trajectory.

 This transfer is vital to the health of the newly developed partnership.  

  • It is mom’s job to, let go and accept her daughter’s leaving.
  • It is a daughter’s job to enter into an equal relationship with a peer and leave behind her role as a child.

This is the way of healthy development. Each task has its own challenges and responsibilities. Leaving home and making a home of your own is the healthy trajectory, one paved with both loss and gratification. Letting go is the path towards growth. 

However, when mothers make their adult daughters feel responsible for their emotional well being, things are topsy-turvy. Only dysfunction and misery follows. Daughters resent having to care for mom emotionally. Underneath it all, they feel something isn’t right. When mothers look to their daughters to take care of them emotionally; to be the person they look to for closeness and connection as adults… they place an unnecessary burden on their daughters.

This emotional burden prevents them from making the healthy separation they need to make for themselves. This is especially true for the daughter trapped in the role of the good daughter and part of the good daughter syndrome.

From Good Daughter to Empowered Woman

The guide you need to break free from the "Good Daughter" syndrome.

Good Daughter Guide

Here is how this happens –

 

Transcript 

Hi, this is Katherine Fabrizio with help for the Good Daughter Syndrome. One thing I say that my clients talk about that’s, I see that happens really frequently … Many times mom doesn’t have a primary or a good connection with the partner. She may be married. She may be divorced. But in this scenario, many times she’s looking to the daughter for closeness and connection.

Well, why is this a problem? Well, if the daughter is trying to establish their primary connection with their intimate partner, there’s always this tension. Mom’s always pulling the daughter to do things her way.

It’s like a loyalty struggle that’s like of underground, and not really overtly talked about, yet can exert a lot of pressure on the good daughter’s marriage if what she needs to do is to establish her primary connection with her partner.

If mom is suddenly undermining it in some ways because she’s not maintaining her connection with her partner, or actively looking for one. This is Katherine Fabrizio with help for the good daughter who’s struggling with the Good Daughter Syndrome.

A postscript-

It is one thing for a mother and daughter to re-establish closeness after a period of healthy separation. If the period of healthy separation never happens then a genuine adult closeness can never take root.

However, if a mother clings to her daughter and doesn’t let go- her daughter can’t help but feel growing resentment that ends in a mother/daughter tension that is never-ending.

Can mothers and daughters ever be close in a healthy way?

Yes, but first, mom must let go in order to set the stage for a no strings attached adult relationship with her daughter. If you see yourself in this good daughter role there are steps you can take. If you need a script to tell mom to take a step back and stop giving unwanted advice here is one that is kind and respectful. If you suspect mom might be Narcissistic, Borderline or Histrionic, or has traits of these disorders here is a way to tell.

When you have awareness you can plan your next steps to living a life that is free.

Empowering women one mother/daughter relationship at a time.

To find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter role -go here.

Raise Awareness TWEET IT OUT –

When mothers look to their daughters to be their primary emotional partner, this interferes with the daughter's emotional growth. Click To Tweet It is mom's job to, let go and accept her daughter's leaving. Click To Tweet Mom must let go in order to set the stage for a no strings attached adult relationship with her daughter later in life. Click To Tweet No doubt, leaving and being left is hard for mother and daughter. It involves loss and change for both. Click To Tweet When a mother looks to her daughter to be her primary emotional partner, this is called parentification. This holds daughters back from fully living their own adult lives. Click To Tweet Leaving and being left is a necessary developmental task for both the adult daughter and the mom. Hard, but necessary. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

This is how we Rise!

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

Behind the Mask – What the “Good Daughter” of the Narcissistic Mother would Tell You if She Could.

by Katherine Fabrizio

( How the daughter of the Narcissistic Mother  develops imposter syndrome)

You might miss her unless you know what to look for. Plastering on a beauty queen/ camera-ready smile that functions more like a mask, than an expression of joy is the smile that insists, “I’m fine, perfect in fact. Why would you ask?” There is no joy, nor ease in that smile. It is more militant than confident. This smile is designed to keep you out rather than invite you in.

This daughter, trapped in the role of the “good” daughter of the Narcissistic Mother must hide her true self behind a mask of faux perfection. If she could speak from behind her mask and let you know how she feels, she might say something like this- “I’d rather take a razor blade to my arm than let you in on the dirty little secret that I am flawed and hurting. I don’t trust myself to be anything but people pleasing, yet I don’t trust people. I apologize when I haven’t done anything wrong. It’s safest that way.

She’s learned to be good instead of real. 

 “Listen closer, and you will hear her say, “In my house, we went by the motto, “if Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. And it was true; Mom’s happiness is what mattered. If she wasn’t happy, it was my job to fix it. I don’t dare complain. I am always O.K. I’d better be.” Growing up with my Mother there was no room for me to feel anything but ok. That’s why, if I did complain I was told, “You’re too sensitive.” So, I’ve learned to pretend that I’m ok even when I’m not.”

Why she can’t tell her Mother how she feels? “I’ve tried to tell her what she does to hurt me, and it never does any good. It always ends up being my fault. I’ve learned it’s better to keep complaints to myself. Besides, any discussion about me always ends up about her. My real self is buried here underneath this mask. I might look alive, but honestly, I feel dead inside.”

The ‘good daughter’s” real self is buried alive underneath Mom’s neediness. “Everyone says I am a “good daughter.” They don’t know what it costs me. When I’m not good, my real self-threatens to break through. It is safer to be fake- no wonder I feel like an imposter. The problem is, my true self is angry and out of control. I’m afraid I can’t trust myself. So, I cut, exercise or starve myself to get her under control… to let off the pressure. I’m not always self-destructive. Sometimes it is enough to pull off good grades or get a job promotion. The trouble is when the good grades come in, or the job promotion is handed down, I feel like a fake. I’m flooded with doubt. I think I don’t deserve it. I’m just waiting to be found out- an imposter in my own life.”

 Success feels like only a stay of execution. “I can never let my guard down completely. If my teachers or boss could see behind my act, they would see what a loser I really am. They would know I eat a carton of ice cream and then go for a 5-mile run to stop the critics inside my head. Those friends who think I have it all together would see I measure whether or not it is a good or bad day or by the number that registers on my bathroom scale. I don’t leave the house without my makeup. I need the mask. Everyone thinks I’m nice, but no one really knows the real me. I’m not sure they would like the real me if they knew me. So I hide behind this mask. Yet, it gets so lonely in here buried underneath this pretense of perfection.”

The reason she stays trapped- 

“I’m like a Disney character, smiling on the outside while sweating bullets and cursing under my breath inside the suffocating costume. The only difference is… I can’t take off the costume. What’s worse, it isn’t even my fantasy- it’s Mom’s fantasy, and I’m just a prop in her magic kingdom. Sometimes, I get so mad at her and feel resentful. But, after I calm down, I feel waves of guilt. I can’t tell her what this is doing to me. It will only hurt her. That’s the real trap. The thing is, I don’t think she can help the way she is. She had a rough childhood, much rougher than mine, even though she hardly ever talks about it. When I ask questions, the look that comes over her face is enough to make me stop. I don’t want to see her suffer anymore.” But sometimes, I feel like it is her happiness or mine.”

Why the ‘good daughter’ never feels good enough- “Mom seems pleased when I do well. How can I take that away from her? That is, she is happy for the moment. She beams when I am making the grades, winning the trophy or acting like a plastic doll.

Can’t she see it is a performance, not a life? As pleased as Mom can be at the moment, once I stop making her look good, the criticisms startup. Trying to please her is exhausting and endless. I wonder if I’ll ever be good enough. So, I go on with the performance, mask firmly in place wondering if it will ever be my turn

Can this ever change? 

After treating adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers for 30 years, the daughter, trapped in the role of the “good daughter” can be the hardest to spot and the trickiest to treat. Yet, a rupture in the facade or a crack in the mask can also be an opportunity for growth. What looks on the outside, like a tragedy can be a much-needed cry for help and a path to the essential self.

A cry that can be answered -A therapist who knows what to look for and what to do can help bring the daughter of Narcissistic Mother, trapped inside the role of the “good daughter” back to life.

Because living for someone else is no way to live.

To find out if you suffer from the Good Daughter Syndrome go here.

This article was originally published by https://psychcentral.com

TWEET IT OUT –

After treating adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers for 30 years, the daughter, trapped in the role of the “good daughter” can be the hardest to spot and the trickiest to treat. Click To Tweet Living for someone else, even your mother, is no way to live. Click To Tweet Behind the Mask – What the “Good Daughter” of the Narcissistic Mother would Tell You if She Could. Click To Tweet A therapist who knows what to look for and what to do can help bring the daughter of Narcissistic Mother, trapped inside the role of the “good daughter” back to life. Click To Tweet A rupture in the facade or a crack in the mask can also be an opportunity for growth. What looks on the outside, like a tragedy can be a much-needed cry for help and a path to the essential self. Click To Tweet Those friends who think I have it all together would see I measure whether or not it is a good or bad day or by the number that registers on my bathroom scale. Click To Tweet The ‘good daughter’s” real self is buried alive underneath Mom’s neediness. Click To Tweet

Calling Mom Out Can Be Hard. This Could Help.

by Katherine Fabrizio

You have been stuffing your feelings for so long because you are afraid of standing up to mom. Yet, the anger and resentment have built up to a point you know you need to say something. You’re thinking about calling her out. So, you finally get up the courage to speak your truth and it hits you like ton of bricks- this is going to hurt mom. You feel guilty for calling mom out.

What’s more, she will probably become defensive and even deny she has done anything to hurt you. Mom can seem downright evil some days and then you get a glimpse of the insecurity she feels right beneath the surface and she seems so fragile. This keeps you stuck. You can’t help but think, your compassionate nature is working against you. The good daughter of the difficult mother wants very much to feel love from her mother. She feels compassion for mom and doesn’t want to hurt her. This is a tricky combination.

Calling mom out is done with a heavy heart. 

Transcript-

This is Katherine Fabrizio, with help for the good daughter suffering from the Good Daughter Syndrome.

One very complicated aspect of doing this kind of work and setting boundaries, finding your voice, claiming your life, is that you know what you have to say is going to be, on some level, hurtful to someone who you also love.

Even if you’re mad at her, you’re just so frustrated and could strangle her, you know that what you’re saying is going to be deeply unsettling on some level.

So, I find that women really want to think about this, how they do it, and it’s very important to be kind and compassionate and non-blaming, non-name calling. This needs to be gone about with care and compassion.

 

Postscript-

There are no easy answers, but I think it would be a mistake to only blame mom. Make no mistake- I am relentless in naming the many ways this good daughter dynamic is harmful to daughters.  Yet, I think I would be is remiss to lose sight of the attachment between mothers and daughters. Daughters feel a mix of feelings love and hate that compliment and contradict each other. And why wouldn’t they, mothers and daughters share so much.

Standing up to mom is hard- for good reason. There is an attachment to her, even if it is a painful one much of the time. You only have one mother. I don’t say that to make you feel guilty. Quite the contrary, in fact. After counseling women for over 30 years, here is the truth. I’m calling it as I know it-

If you don’t acknowledge the mix of feelings you will not be able to hold your ground when you confront mom’s hurtful behavior. You will crumble in a heap of guilt.

Even when you need to stand your ground, speak out and call out mom’s hurtful behavior. Understanding there are many daughters who are hurting and many mothers who are limited and impaired is a starting place. You are not alone. At times a daughter needs to speak her mind to clear the air even if her mother cannot take in what she is saying or hear her. Speaking your truth helps you.

Sometimes mom can’t or won’t come along. That’s ok.

To speak your truth is freeing and liberating. Do it for yourself. You are creating a new reality for yourself. You might say, “Mom – I feel ( frustrated, angry, sad, dismissed, forgotten) when you ( criticize, dismiss, ignore) me.   I want to have a good relationship with you but this gets in the way of that.” With kindness, understanding and the conviction that we, as women, can do better.

As daughters rising we must lead the way. Strong and kind don’t have to cancel each other out. Gratitude and truth-telling can coexist.

Find out if you suffer from the Good Daughter Syndrome- go here.

The change starts with you- Tweet it out

The good daughter of the difficult mother wants very much to feel love from her mother. She feels compassion for mom and doesn't want to hurt her. Click To Tweet” username=”daughterrising”]

Daughters feel a mix of feelings love and hate that compliment and contradict each other. And why wouldn't they, mothers and daughters share so much. Click To Tweet To speak your truth is freeing and liberating. Do it for yourself. You are creating a new reality for yourself. Click To Tweet When speaking your truth to your mother strong and kind don't have to cancel each other out. Gratitude and truth-telling can coexist. This is the new mother/daughter paradigm. Click To Tweet So, you finally get up the courage to speak your truth and it hits you like ton of bricks- this is going to hurt mom. You feel guilty for calling mom out. Click To Tweet Sometimes a daughter needs to speak her mind to clear the air even if her mother cannot take in what she is saying or hear her. Speaking your truth helps you. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

Do This To Embody Self-Confidence

by Katherine Fabrizio

Today we are bringing help straight to the body. Shot straight through the heart of your self-doubt. If you want to change & embody self-confidence – you need to take it up with your body. You need yoga for self-confidence. Literally. Right now. This moment. To embody the change you want to feel, you must get out of your head and into your body. Off the couch and onto the mat.

It isn’t enough to merely understand on an intellectual level what went wrong with your mother/daughter relationship. Awareness is essential and at the same time, not enough. Research by Amy Cuddy tells us that changing your body (even your posture)  sends powerful messages to the emotional centers of the brain. There is something to the expression “Fake it til you make it.” We can do better. We reject fake. Instead, we rewrite this to be- Embody it to manifest it.

And here is the amazing caveat– 

You don’t need to wait until you can strike the perfect yoga pose to gain benefits.  The very act of declaring with your posture/pose your intention you send powerful messages to your brain. Crazy -right? Turns out, not so much…you are more powerful than you know. So what’s this all about?

In the womb and later in her arms, mom was first experienced, felt, taken in and embodied. Simply put, she affected you, first and foremost, in your body in a sensory, physical way before you said your first word. Therefore it makes sense that...healing from a deficit in mothering must incorporate those embodied felt elements.

Let’s make this relevant for the daughter trapped in the role of the “good daughter”.

 

If you’re like so many good daughters, you have trouble saying some of the hard things you need to say. You freeze, lose your voice, cave in. Simply put you have trouble standing your ground, banishing self-doubt, and leading with self-confidence.

So how are you going to do that? How are you going to lean into the self-doubt and start to send a new message to your body? I’ve asked Brisa Silvestre to help us with that. Let me introduce you to one of the most open-hearted women I know. Brisa Silvestri is a hot yoga and an Anna Forest certified yoga teacher.  She is going to help us embody the confidence we want to feel.

“Open your heart”,  Brisa says. When you constrict your body and pull in for protection,  you close your heart. A closed heart is an insecure defensive posture. An open heart is vulnerable and powerful all at the same time. This is the Feminine paradox. Masculine strength is embodied by the squared shoulders, fists up protecting the heart. Think of a boxer. It is all about the offense and the defense- not about connection. We need the Feminine for that. Let’s redefine what we mean by strength. Let’s rewrite some old notions that don’t fit anymore.

To be good- we have stifled our impulses to the point of stifling the very life out of us. Let’s turn now to getting that open-hearted Feminine power that will help with self-confidence. To achieve an open heart, watch how shoulder shrugs help. And… wait for it, in Goddess pose of course. Drawing in the energy from the earth while you are calling mother earth to assist you.  She is always there holding you. Who can doubt herself when mother earth has her back? Heck, mother earth has all of us.

Using Ujjayi breath, Brisa demonstrates incorporating the benefits of a kind of breathing that support the goddess pose. Ujjay breath regulates heating the body. The friction of the air passing through the lungs and throat generates internal body heat. Additional benefits include diminished pain from headaches, relief of sinus pressure, a decrease in phlegm, and strengthening the nervous and digestive systems. Open-hearted, grounded in the feminine divine, shoulders back and getting down to it- let’s learn all about it.

So, click below, and let’s see Brisa do her magic.

To find out of you are caught in the Good Daughter Syndrome- go here.

Raise Awareness. Tweet It Out!

If you want to change & embody self-confidence - you need to take it up with your body. Click To Tweet

First, you must understand- to embody self-confidence you must get out of your head and into your body. Click To Tweet”

It isn't enough to merely understand on an intellectual level what went wrong with your mother/daughter relationship. Awareness is essential and at the same time, not enough. Click To Tweet

Masculine strength is embodied by the squared shoulders, fists up protecting the heart. Think of a boxer. It is all about the offense and the defense- not about connection. We need the Feminine for that. Click To Tweet”

To be good- we have stifled our impulses to the point of stifling the very life out of us. Click To Tweet When you constrict your body and pull in for protection, you close your heart. Click To Tweet An open heart is vulnerable and powerful all at the same time. This is the Feminine paradox. Click To Tweet Who can doubt herself when mother earth has her back? Heck, mother earth has all of us. Click To Tweet Drawing in the energy from the earth while you are calling mother earth to assist you. She is always there holding you. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

 

 

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

How To Stand Up To Mom, Even If You Struggle

by Katherine Fabrizio

Do you struggle to stand up for yourself? Can you stand up to your mom, mother-in-law, step-mother or another woman in a position of authority? Have you ever let someone get away with being rude or unkind to you and… you say nothing? 

Does your mother, mother-in-law or stepmother criticize or put you down habitually? Perhaps she is always putting you down, giving you back-handed compliments or simply putting you on the spot with her implied criticism.

If your mother habitually criticizes you, will you stand up for yourself? Will you say something or swallow this one …yet again? If you remain silent do you kick yourself afterward? If you let them “get away with it”, why should anything change?

If this sounds like you – I have help for you here.

 Watch below-

If you would rather read-  

So many daughters in the role of “good daughter” remain silent when a hostile critical comment comes their way. The barb, the swipe, is leveled at them and they freeze. The “good daughter” is programmed not rock the boat and to smooth things over. Yet, she knows deep down she goes against herself by remaining silent. If this sounds like you, let me break down what is happening. The problem with not speaking up for yourself is that resentment builds & erodes your self-confidence. You remain conflicted and have a hard time trusting anyone. When you let resentment build over time you worry you will blow up if you speak your mind. How do you address hostility that comes your way without losing your cool or playing doormat? Let’s come into the moment –  when you need to confront hurtful behavior. You might respond like this-

“You know, that was really hurtful. I’m not sure you meant to hurt me, but that’s how it came across. Could you tell me why you want to say that?”

If you’re met with silence, you might’ve just taken the other person off guard, or conversely you might have called them out on their hostility. When you are habitually bullied by another woman, she is counting on you to remain passive. If the comment wasn’t intended as hurtful, then she has a chance to regroup and say something along the lines of-

“Oh, I’m so sorry.  What you felt isn’t what I intended. Let’s talk about it”

By bringing up what was hurtful and hearing a response, you can tell quite a lot. Whether you get a thoughtful response, silence or a hostile defense,

Here is what you can know for sure-

No matter what the outcome, you’ve stood up for yourself in a way that’s direct, kind and compassionate. When you stand up for yourself the people in your life will sit up and take notice. You aren’t merely being good. This is good. Good for you. Stand up for yourself and let your voice be heard.

To find out if you are caught in the Good Daughter trap- go here.

Raise Awareness. Tweet It Out!

When you stand up for yourself the people in your life will sit up and take notice. Click To Tweet When you let resentment build over time you worry you will blow up if you speak your mind. Click To Tweet The problem with not speaking up for yourself is that resentment builds & erodes your self-confidence. Click To Tweet When you are habitually bullied by another woman, she is counting on you to remain passive. Click To Tweet

 

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

Are You Too Sensitive or Is Mom Intrusive?

by Katherine Fabrizio

 

Is your mother an intrusive mother or are you just too sensitive? How can you tell? Here’s the scene- your inbox or phone is flooded with an avalanche of unanswered emails, texts or messages from mom? Requests, demands, and opinions, oh my! And, “Would you please get back to me right away, thank you very much.” As fast as she can churn them out, mom reaches through cyberspace and poof a much-needed layer of protective boundary dissolves into thin air. With the stroke of a keyboard or the sound of a ringtone, she has ready access to you.

 

Does mom appropriate your participation in her communications with you?

-Are you cast as an audience member, one amongst many?

-Is your privacy is violated in a forward?

-Are you appropriated into a personal back and forth she has with a third party?

( And this is just phone and email. Yet, the way it goes down is indicative of  all of the interactions with an intrusive mother) 

4 Ways this happens-

1)Mom instructs you to call someone or give someone a visit. She instructs rather than asks.

2) Without your consent, she forwards an email exchange you thought was a private one between the two of you. She forgets or never thinks about asking for your permission first.

3) Or, my personal favorite, mom CCs you on really personal exchange she is having with a third party. You’d rather sit this one out, thank you very much, but alas you have been drafted into the exchange.

4) With the group email function, mom assembles an audience, (yes, that’s you there in the stands) and uses it to showcase what an important and caring parent/family member she is.

YIKES!

Where does this leave you? Since you can’t “unsee” or “receive” said emails, this, of course, leaves you in the, oh so awkward position of having to decide how to, and if, you should respond. Do you bear silent witness, say nothing and run the risk of appearing to convey agreement through your silence? Now that you, of course, have seen said missive, is it incumbent on you to weigh in lest you appear unfeeling? Or, horror of all horrors, does your silence imply that you were in on whole dysfunctional debacle from the beginning?

ARRRGGGG!

Primetime for mother manipulator for sure. There you are enjoying your life, or for that matter, not enjoying your life. You mistakenly assumed it was, in fact, YOUR life. Yet, in a flash of an email fly by you are kidnapped from the sidelines and whisked into the biopic of your mother’s life. It is not completely apparent why Mom casts you as audience or to her communications, but you smell a manipulative maneuver.

What does this tell you about mom and her difficult ways? No matter what the reason or reasons, it is indirect, not altogether sensitive and, wait for it; the hallmark of a difficult mother who is driven more by her needs than regard for your feelings. Self–absorbed, for sure. Yes, of course, that is the truth of it, as always. The interaction is driven by the fact that the difficult mom has to prove herself, both to herself and to others.

You are merely a come with.

You feel the intrusion but mom is so used to plowing over your boundaries that you wonder if you are the one that has the problem.

It’s not you. Yet, this intrusion on mom’s part is so habitual and expected that you grow calloused.  It becomes harder and harder to call mom out without being consumed with guilt. It is and isn’t personal. That is both the good news and the bad news. The calculator in mom’s unconscious has done the math and determined that it is perfectly acceptable for her to use you to make herself look good. The sad truth of the matter is – she may not even be aware that her actions leave you feeling hurt. In fact, you feel bad but tell yourself to stop being so sensitive. I have a better idea-

Instead of asking, “Am I too sensitive?” Ask instead, “Is mom is too intrusive?” What if you aren’t too sensitive but just sensitive enough- to know it when you are treated as if your feelings don’t count. If you tell your mother that certain actions on her part make you feel bad, and she keeps on doing them multiple times…. you have to wonder why. What if this treatment leaves you feeling like you really don’t matter… for a good reason. What if the reason has nothing to do with you? Will you continue to take it without speaking up and stuffing your frustration and anger?

*Will you continue to tell yourself you are too sensitive when in fact the relationship is unbalanced? This kind of unbalance has its fingerprint in every interaction with the difficult, Narcissistic  Mother or the Mother who has  Narcissistic traits. If you recognize yourself,  this dynamic is stealing your confidence. And this corrosive dynamic undermines your self-esteem. You end up living a life that is based on making someone else happy at your expense. Will you go on quietly as the Good Daughter, or will you choose to become real?

Next steps- take the good daughter quiz here. 

Raise Awareness. Break the Cycle. Tweet It Out.

Are You Too Sensitive or Is Mom Intrusive? Click To Tweet You feel the intrusion but mom is so used to plowing over your boundaries that you wonder if you are the one that has the problem. Click To Tweet What if you aren't too sensitive but just sensitive enough- to know it when you are treated as if your feelings don't count. Click To Tweet If you tell your mother that certain actions on her part make you feel bad, and she keeps on doing them multiple times.... you have to wonder why. Click To Tweet *Will you continue to take it without speaking up and stuffing your frustration and anger? *Will you continue to tell yourself you are too sensitive when in fact the relationship is unbalanced? Click To Tweet

 

 

Get the meditation for the bad feelings.

Audio-

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

  

Being Good For Mom Can Be Bad For Her Grown Daughter

by Katherine Fabrizio

overall1

When is “good for mom” bad for you?

Do you work hard to be good for mom, make mom look good or make sure mom is good with you?

Do you seek her approval yet secretly wonder if this is in your best interest? You may feel inadequate, struggle with self-doubt, and not know exactly why?

Could it be that your mother relates to you in a toxic way that undermines your confidence and self-esteem you are so used to it – you can’t see it?

It may seem normal to you that you second guess your every decision and apologize constantly. You aren’t quite sure where you end, and your mother begins. You may be so used to living this way you aren’t even aware that life could feel any different.

What drives a toxic mother/daughter relationship? Underneath many a demanding or controlling mother’s facade is an insecure person who worries she will be found out.  Or the flip side of the same coin,  mom may be a meek and mild wounded mother who isn’t outwardly critical but drags her daughter down in more subtle ways.

Narcissism/Borderline/Histrionic personality disorders or traits of these disorders can be overt or covert. At the root of all of the personality disorders and traits is a desperate insecurity that drives mom to act in destructive ways. 

Good for mom/bad for you works like this-

Deep down, a mother who has little self-worth needs her attuned daughter to boost her sense of self. The daughter, in the role of the “good daughter,” picks this up at the unconscious level. She experiences herself as an extension of mom and without being fully conscious of why she works at being “good” for mom. Many times the “good daughter” knows, or suspects, her difficult mother is narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, depressed, or codependent. What she does knows for sure, however, is that she is very attuned to the effect she has on her mother.

Many a difficult mother plays on the Good Daughter’s eagerness to please. The daughter’s childlike self-has a very hard time telling mom things she knows mom doesn’t want to hear. Even adult daughters have an almost 6th sense of how mom is feeling about herself and may sacrifice themselves for their mother’s well-being by letting mom run roughshod over her boundaries or put mom’s needs first.

Here are–3 signs you are being good for mom at your own expense. 

1) You know the phrase all too well, ” If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” You will do just about anything to keep mom happy. Even if it means making you, your husband, partner or children unhappy.  As much as you hate to admit it, making mom happy comes first.

2) You try extra hard to be “good” for mom. You are hyper-aware of how your actions make your mother look to others. You let this dictate much of what you do and say.

3) You run all of your major life decisions by mom first. If she doesn’t think you should take the job, marry the man, change your hairstyle, you second-guess yourself. Mom’s opinions matter way more than they should.

 

What’s wrong with this?

When a daughter, in the role of the “good daughter,” feels she owes mom her happiness, neither party is served. This cycle can be insidious and fueled by guilt such that many a daughter is unaware that her life has been hijacked by mom’s problems, her insecurities. The Good Daughter buys into the unconscious fantasy that says if she is good enough mom will be O.K. The problem is…she may spend a lifetime, waste a lifetime, trying to be good enough for mom.

And her own daughter will suffer.

Because she is so tied to being good for mom, the adult daughter of the difficult mother has a hard time being an effective mom to her own daughter. She doesn’t know where to set limits with her daughter or how to model valuing herself. Her daughter may see her as a doormat or experience her as chronically stressed and unhappy.

Also trying to make mom happy doesn’t work on an ongoing basis. It can’t work because change, like happiness, is an inside job. You cannot GIVE your mother self-worth.

What can you do?

You can learn how to get out of the good daughter traps set for you. You can learn how to set healthy boundaries, tap into your feminine power, rewire your brain, and parent your own daughter from a place of confidence. There are patterns that are not serving you, once realized, can be healed. By clearing up this toxicity in your relationship with your own mother you supercharge your ability to parent your own daughter.  One impacts the other in powerful ways.

When will you say enough? “I want to clear away the blocks that keep me from being the best mother I can be. The cycle of shame, guilt, and self-doubt stops here.”

Find out if you are trapped in the Good Daughter Syndrome -go here.

Find Your Voice. Raise Awareness. Tweet It Out.

It may seem normal to you that you second guess your every decision and apologize constantly. You aren't quite sure where you end, and your mother begins. Click To Tweet Being Good For Mom Can Be Bad For Her Grown Daughter Click To Tweet You cannot GIVE your mother self-worth. Click To Tweet By clearing up this toxicity in your relationship with your own mother you supercharge your ability to parent your own daughter. One impacts the other in powerful ways. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

 

Audio-

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

Difficult Mom? The Secret To Letting Go & Moving On

by Katherine Fabrizio

Can your mother empathize with you? Can she get past her defensiveness and put herself in your place? What if the answer is no? What if she doesn’t get you and never will. How do you let go of the hope that she will and move on with your life? What if you need to get past this, claim your life for yourself and parent your daughter.

First of all -this can be hard, very hard. Those of us who have traveled this road can tell you, there are are some things that don’t get better just because you continue to try.  Trying to get a mother understanding when it isn’t in the cards is one of those. There comes a time when you need to be your own witness.

As hard as this is, it may be the only way to freedom. Trapped in the role of the “good daughter” of your difficult mother, you bear the mark of your mother’s pain in this way- You have put your mother’s needs ahead of your own. In the relationship dynamic, you had no choice. To end this cycle, you might need to face the fact that justice is only going to come from you, and that will have to be enough.

The little girl in you wants for mom to understand and approve of you. You have worked so hard to be good for mom. But what if you need for her to understand that she is hurting you and she just can’t give you that one? Because of her limitations, she can’t put herself in your shoes and see things from your perspective. Some mothers just can’t.  And you have your own little girl looking at you…needing you. She needs you to be there for her. It is decision time.

At some point, the only relevant question becomes whether or not you are going to spend a lifetime trying to be heard and seen by someone who just can’t see you or hear you. If you’ve talked yourself blue in the face and find yourself always on the defensive, chances are there isn’t anyone home- psychologically speaking. At least not enough of reflective self to take in what you have to say. Whether she is narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, depressed, addicted, a toxic combo or you have simply hit a hot-button issue, she might be incapable of taking in what you have to say.

How do I know? I’ve heard many a daughter, trapped in the role of the Good Daughter on my therapy couch describe this same scenario over and over. Unconsciously, you blame yourself and stay tied to a mother who can’t truly empathize with you falsely thinking if you could only get it right then mom will understand and accept you.

If mom can’t empathize with you, you cannot experience the understanding you hungry for. So, one more explanation that falls on deaf ears is one too many. Let me save you some time, trouble and possible therapy dollars. As difficult as it is, at some point, you are better off cutting your losses, grieving and moving on. Calmly, peacefully and thoughtfully, but definitively.

To continue in the exhausting exercise of explaining yourself reaches a point of diminishing returns.No one can tell you where this point of diminishing return is. You have to sort it through for yourself. No contact, low contact or reconfigured contact. But somewhere, sometime, you will need to let go of explaining yourself to get free.

Whether you are giving up being understood on a certain hot-button issue or need more of a relationship overhaul, that is up to you. Either way, giving up and letting it drop is hard. Mom may have limitations she cannot get past. Staying angry with her doesn’t necessarily get you anywhere. It only keeps you stuck and feeling guilty. The positive grown-up thing to do is to accept the loss and give up wishing she was different. You can use that same energy to decide to be different yourself.

To find out if you suffer from the Good Daughter Syndrome – go here.

Raise Awareness. Tweet It Out.

There are are some things that don't get better just because you continue to try. Trying to get a mother's understanding when it isn't in the cards is one of those. Click To Tweet But what if you need your mother to understand that she is hurting you and she just can't give you that one? Click To Tweet Unconsciously, you blame yourself and stay tied to a mother who can't truly empathize with you falsely thinking if you could only get it right then mom will understand and accept you. Click To Tweet You were marked with your mother's pain. You don't have to pass that mark on to your daughter. Click To Tweet

 

 

 

Audio

DO YOU EXPERIENCE THE "GOOD DAUGHTER" SYNDROME?

Do you have a Narcissistic or Difficult Mother?
Are you the "Good Daughter"? The Rebel? or The Lucky One?
Take the quiz and find out!

Take the quiz!

 

DO YOU WANT TO FEEL CLOSER TO YOUR DAUGHTER AND RAISE HER SELF ESTEEM – 3 HOW TO STEPS

Do You Want To Feel Closer To Your Daughter And Raise Her Self-Esteem?
3 Easy “How-To” Steps...
That Work Like Magic!

new-guide-photo

This is how we rise.

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