Are you just complaining about mom?
Most adult daughters of difficult mothers I see in psychotherapy are not just complaining about mom. If anything they want to feel love from their mothers. When their mothers are limited or impaired and can’t provide the love and support their daughters need the daughters bear a burden few can understand.
Here is what I have witnessed in my psychotherapy practice ( in the video above).
If you’d rather read- transcript- You know, after a day of seeing daughters of difficult mothers, I would like to scrap… if I could… once and for all the myth that daughter’s just like to complain about their moms. It’s not one thing it’s your mom, right? Accompanied by an eye roll. My experience, time after time is that daughters who have difficult narcissistic, histrionic, borderline insecure, addicted moms…, they feel an incredible deep shame. It’s misplaced, but it’s real because of their mom’s odd behavior, unloving behavior, criticism of them, you know, in psychotherapy they like bring it up, you know, and it stings. It’s not something they’re like, can’t wait to put on facebook or tell the world or label moms this, this and this and this.
New Speaker: 01:05 No, they feel a deep shame about….. this is their mom, you know, how could mom who loves me or should love me treat me so badly and the conclusion that they come two more times than not is that because I was unlovable, I didn’t deserve it.
Speaker 1: 01:33 And that becomes the problem because when they don’t value themselves, then all of life’s, you know… you name it. And I talk about it all over here, all the things that stem from, from that initial hurt but a child’s pain.
New Speaker: 01:52 And when I look into the face of my adult clients, of course, I see the child in them and you know, their eyes lower and they like in a flash, remember something just unbelievable that their mom said or did, and they usually notice it doesn’t happen with their friends.
New Speaker: 02:17 Um, but it’s deeply shameful to them. I have not seen really…. been in practice 30 years… women come in and say, you know, my mother is a narcissist and let me tell you, she does this, this, this, and this.
New Speaker: 02:35 Maybe that’s happened, but not, none of that is coming to mind right now. So I’d like to bust this myth that, you know, adult daughters just enjoy complaining about their mothers, not when their mothers have serious difficulty and have related to them in ways that sting and hurt.