Let’s get real for a moment sisters. Women have been burned, owned and controlled, for a very long time.
We know, as women, this oppression figures prominently in our collective history.
We might not fully realize how the mistreatment of women has taken a psychological toll on our mothers.
This unfair oppression has generated a narcissistic defense in many women and thus in many mothers.
That is, they are psychologically driven to use indirect means to get their need met at the expense of their daughters.
If you struggle or have struggled with your relationship with your narcissistic mother, my guess is you are determined to do things differently.
While your own struggle has been painful, this may open the psychological door for you to make the very changes that can set both you and your daughter free. [Read more…]
How do you want your daughter to feel about herself?
If I know you, you would gnaw off your right arm if that would give your daughter the self-esteem you wished you had gotten from your Narcissistic mother.
You want more than anything for your daughter to feel confident and sure of herself. You wish so badly that you could GIVE her that.
As a psychotherapist to women for over 30 years, I have seen this pattern over and over again. Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, trapped in the role of the “Good Daughter” can’t bring themselves to stand up to their mothers. Fast forward countless psychotherapy sessions and let me cut to the psychological chase. I will let you in on a secret.
Here is what may be hidden to you.
When you become the mother.
For, you, the daughter of the Narcissistic mother, new motherhood can be terrifying. Just when everyone expects you to be blissing out, you can feel like a failure.
Do you look at your beautiful baby only to have tears stream down your face?
It wasn’t your fault. Here’s why.
When you truly move past wishing mom were different …..
You open to the possibilities of a life transformed.
You and your daughter can write your own chapter.
Parenting her differently can transform your pain into strength.
To Heal You Must Get Out Of Your Head And Into Your Body
It isn’t enough to merely understand what went wrong with your mother/daughter relationship on an intellectual level. Awareness is essential and at the same time, not enough.
To enhance healing you must first be in touch with the emotional pain,
Then you must have experiences that soothe that pain.
How are you going to do that?
Why is it so hard to say no to mom?
You are so afraid of hurting mom’s feelings.
The critical comments, the unwanted advice, the controlling moves, all add up. You feel like you want to scream, yet you choke back your words. You just can’t find your voice.
A well-meaning friend or therapist says- ” Just tell your mother how you feel” and you know you could never say that to mom, but you don’t know exactly why…….
Nobody is holding a gun to your head. You know you need to do this.
Why can’t you?
COULD THIS BE YOU?
“You know John is great ….except, of course, when he isn’t. There is a lot about him I do like, but he doesn’t always come through with his promises. I think he has a lot on his mind these days. I really wish he would talk to someone. ( Yep, there is always that one.)
I’m just going to give it some time and see how things go. I know no one is perfect. I’m not sure whether to say anything or not. I don’t want to come across as demanding or chase him off.
And I really don’t want to go back out there in the dating pool.
You just don’t know how bad it is. I’m not going to find anything better.
From my therapy couch, I see woman after woman convinces herself to “settle” for less than she should.